On Family and my Leathers

I often forget I am a journey man, Constantly moving forward in my life. Things that I do with people may stick indelibly in their minds, both the good, and the bad. I spend much time behind my layers of Leather and perspex, and very rarely let anyone in.  These people I trust with my life, and always will. Always. 10 years time with no contact, if they called and started a conversation, it would be like no time had passed at all. They are my family, my tribe.  I dont let people in easy, and when I do… sometimes painfully.. it is permanent for me. I am incredibly lucky to have the people in my life that I call family. I have told them that they are… and I have always put a lot of thought into it before I throw it casually into conversation.

My family life at  home was… odd to say the least. Ma did her absolute best with a bad kid in me and an asshat in Pa, and considering all the other stuff going on.. she did an amazing job. It was through her I learned that if family calls, no matter the trouble, you answer your phone and help as much as you can if you can, and if you cant. Dont.  I learned to not sleep on an argument, and to be the best person I could. That love can sometimes be enough,  That love is being there, and being true, even if it hurts the other persons feelings with what you are saying. Real friends and family argue, and still love each other afterwards. You can rant, scream, cry, vent and rage – all with minimal repercussion. I do my best to bring all of this into my Urban Family, my Urban Tribe and into my own relationships.

My Leather Family taught me conflict resolution skills, the need to talk things out. That sitting on things just makes someone get hurt. They also taught me processing should be ok *I still have a lot of trouble with this one* and that people do things at different speeds *still have trouble there too*. My Leather Family taught me the safety of someones arms when you need a hug, and that Loyalty and Communication in all its forms  is paramount to a good friendship. This family showed me that just because you arent blood related, does not mean you are not family and sometimes, even when you are really angry, Family is Family and you will do what you can, when you can to resolve your issues.

I am a bastard to live around, cranky, cantankerous, pushy and needy. I am fiercely protective of  my people and will work things the best I can to make the people I love get what they want, often to the detriment of myself, recently I was trying so hard to be something for everyone else, I kinda forgot where I started… I worked out I was doing it, and then had the hard task of getting rid of the bits I worked out werent me, and start afresh, hence not writing on here. I am  still all of the things I mentioned above and now add emotionally unavailable. (laughs) I am currently in one of the angriest, snarkiest moments of my life. I have packed on the perspex around my heart and feel I failed 2 of my Family in horrendous ways. I am embarrassed at the way I treated both of them, an as much as I apologise to them both, I am still learning new ways to sting. I try to focus on all that my families have taught me, but just am lashing out…. mind you it seems at the moment, the more I do, the more interest I am getting from new people interested in me… kinda irritating, but hilarious.

I was thinking recently, about how much I take certain things seriously, and after an incident at an event involving my Leather Jacket, my Armour, that piece of myself that those that know and love me know how much I treasure it as a LeatherMan was worn away from me, through a venue. I lost my shit at the person that did it, and they are now well versed in Angry Bear trying to contain himself in public.  There are few people I would allow to wear my jacket. **I** can put it on just about anyone. If someone is cold, shocky, not feeling the best, sad or just plain loves the caress of an extremely heavy leather biker jacket, I will put it on them. But, it remains in my sight.  It is my choice to put it on them, and I am less likely to if they ask me for it *asshole that I am*… I have lost people in my life because of my love of leather, the lifestyle and all else it encompasses. I have worked hard to have the right allowed to me by someone very dear to me to wear my Leathers, and when I have them on me, I feel safe, at home no matter where I am. All of the Leather I wear I have sweated for, Bled for, Loved for and pushed myself further than I thought I could. There are a handful of people who have the “right” for lack of a better term, to wear it out of my sight, and to reach for it off my very back. These days, none of them would and 2 of them wouldnt even know that I thought that of them,  One wouldnt believe me if I told Her she was one of them. 

So, For future reference.  My Leather is my second skin, It has seen some of the happiest moments of my life, and has been wrapped around me as I have sobbed, so close to emotional destruction as I have ever been. If I place it on you, it is to stay in my vicinity. If I have to chase you to get it back, or you dont ask before you wander off with it. Expect me to growl at you. You have been warned.