I am learning that though this body is not what I wanted tit to be, it is Mine. It is strong, fairly relaible and serves me as well as it is able to. It may Have parts I dont want, and lack things that I do, but it is mine. I am built like a beast, a bear, a bull. I carry a lot on my shoulders and inside. This journey, this Pull, was my physical representation of that.

I was at a Hooked Up when I got a “spiritual knock”, a reminder that this is what I had wanted, and this was the people to do it for me. I looked around, surrounded by likeminded people, and I spoke to MzAsha about if she wanted to “Go Up” for me, to which she readily agreed.

I wanted to look for a good rigger, one I could trust with myself and my dear Friend. Erinkyan came to mind immediately. I had always liked his rope, the way his brain worked, and I felt that he would “get it”. His energy, his love and his ethos comes through in everything he does, and when he agreed it felt like things just “clicked”.

We had a run through, the Wednesday before the event, and I had a moment of fear, a moment where I did not trust my body, and I got quiet, and thoughtful. I did not trust in me, and spent quite some time in thought, debating on pulling out. I knew I was being silly, but I think that moment of fear I did have, was necessary for the final result.

Erinkyan was my ground, Solid, sure, Steady, His amazing energy kept us anchored, Centred and Safe. He understood what I needed and gave amazing, perfect suggestions and helped the big step.

MzAsha, Was also earth, but sky as well. Keeping an eye on my energy from above, wrapped in connecting energy in the rops that wrapped around her body, She volunteered herself, knowing me, knowing my energy to be wrapped in me, taken off the ground, to wait there, until I was done.

The hooks going in hurt, I wont lie, but compared to what I expected, they werent terrible.  I had a tremendous team of people around me, laughing at my growl, and keeping me centered. The walk back to Erinkyan and MzAsha was blurry, and after sorting out some energetic stuff that I was not clear on… I was ready….ish

My fear had me decide to try just lifting her in a chest harness first, to take MzAshas weight and see if I was being insane in my want to do this.  I counted to three, and when given the go ahead, stepped forward. I was scared.  I was sore, I felt the hooks pull through and lodge in place. I was pulling against myself, I was pulling against my body, my mind, my brain. I stepped back, content with how it felt… and ready to try lifting.

Awaiting Erinkyan to bind MzAsha for the suspension, I felt calm. I felt connected to the best team I know.

I turned around my back to MzAsha and Erinkyan, Kirby1024, Erinkyans boy, was now with us, being amazing help, holding my rope so the binding to it could happen without it jarring my hooks, I stepped forward, when told she was ready…. fear rushed in, pain, and I almost forgot why I was there. I took a big deep breath, focussed on the yellow dot next to my right foot and moved my feet under my center of gravity.. that is when I let go of the pain, and fear, I felt an energetic slap on the back.

This was not about being a masochist, or the need for pain. Walking/pulling forward did not hurt in that way. It hurt a bit deeper, a release of my body, allowing it to be what it is. understanding that I am who I am, and I am ok with that, That I am a beast of burden, and that is my job. I am a TransMan and this is my body, I am a journeyman spiritually and that I have to be ok with that, and stop fighting. I am a Bear, Teacher, Boy…   I heard somewhere in the back of my head, applause, and MzAsha telling my she was off the ground, and I am not sure whether I smiled.I was crying tears of happiness and relief in my head, but not sure any tears hit the ground.

I needed to get to all fours, I felt a pressure on my back pushing down. When I got down, I was not really physically there anymore…. for a while, that private conversation I had I will keep to myself, but when I called Erinkyan forward to see if I could pull MzAsha any further up, I was already done, and back in myself.. feeling the connection with the three of us.

I am so thankful to have done this pull, it was physically and emotionally an amazing experience for me.

Will I do it again, yes… absolutely.

I am indebted to the “Team of Awesome”

I have some amazing people in my life, that I am so thankful are in it. there is the Owner, the Pup and the girl….

I am Bound to my Keeper/Owner, MzAsha, I am her boy and collared property, She is my Guardian, Protector and Tormentor, She owns the meat sack and bones that I am. We work together in many ways, she pushes me in ways that I cant fathom. I love her and hate her at times,, but mostly, Love and cherish.

I am in an amazing new open relationship with my girlpet, ravine. My prize possession that brings me a huge amount of joy. Enjoying exploration of everything that it is, and it is many, many things. Love, Lust, Trust and she fills a part of me, as my Daddys Girl/hauswife that I forgot that I missed.

I am currently the Key Master/Alpha Dog/SIR for Pakkun, an amazing puppyboy whom I am training into an adolescent companion dog. He gives amazing service, and is coming along very nicely. He fits in my world very very well. Requests to have him serve or to hold his chastity keys are to come through me.

I have an amazing Leather Family, and Tribe, that are my strength and “brains trust”. Closer than my blood family and certainly held more dearly. They are there whenever I need them, and I am there for them. Whenever. However.

I keep forgetting that I am both sides of the same coin, when it comes to bottoming or Topping, these days though, I am more the Top Man, (except for when it comes to MzAsha). though I have been pushing her in bad ways due to (I think) me being the Top guy to so many others. I question her judgement, and need her to push me into place, whereas for a while there, I didnt require the shoving, quite so hard anyway….

I like to think I am good at communication, as a Sir, I think I do ok, as a boy, I think I can come across as too whingy. I want to make sure that everything gets said, so there is no resentment on my part, but I find it difficult to get my needs and wants across, without it being… pushy? or just walking away and feeling like I am unworthy of being listened to anyway. I have been doing some reading into what it is that I actually need to do in order to be better at this, but I am much better at coming from things in a more “Dominant” Angle.

I am loving working at FH. Working for and with my Miss can be a difficult thing, because I have to try and split work/service. I am still working on how that can work. I am enjoying the learning process. I also work with my pup, talk about a “happy family”

More soon.

Bear.

Transphobia… *snarl* 71 Comments

Journal Entry by TransBear  3 months ago

http://fetlife.com/users/5057

These transphobic comments left on a very good friend of mines wall have inspired me to write some things, even though I will not be responding to that bigots comments to him directly.

I admit I was quite hurt about those comments, which was his intention.. I had a moment or 2 of wanting to ask Mz_Estelle to remove the pics of me and her…

but,

Why should I change anything because of bigotry?

Why should I Change anything out of what I (and others) can see is jealousy?

Why should hateful comments be allowed from someone who has barely met me, acted like an idiot when he did, and the only crime I have done to him, was to call him on behaviour that was incredibly inappropriate and directed towards someone I care about?? Well over one year ago! Believe it or not… for me, This isn’t actually about me anymore. These Transphobic comments hurt others likeme. It also hurts those trans-people who are newly coming out, and are looking to be accepted for who they are, see such outrageous bile and put themselves back in their closets.

I am shocked that people still have their little boxes of “real men” and “real women”. Gender is between the ears, not between the legs! I am shocked that in a world or culture where we are more than happy with power exchange dynamics and so on, my transition and physical appearance would be an issue to an apparently “cultured” person.

I guess that is part of why I am here, to push peoples boundaries… To make them think, and if some people cant cope, they lash out. I am available to
answer questions, to help people get their head around gender transition, gender fluidity…if you have any questions.. are unsure..ASK ME!

But. These Transphobic comments are not ok and certainly not acceptable or tolerable, within this or ANY community. It makes people feel unsafe, and transpeople and those who are differently gendered have EVERY reason to feel just as safe being themselves within this lifestyle, as anyone else does…

I had been thinking what kind of stand I can make. How do I respond to this hateful BS?? This journal entry is my way of responding and venting also, without entering with the other person, a fruitless battle of trying to work through their hatred. I will not stand for Transphobic people in my life. Nor will I support those that support them.

I thank my My Miss for being my logic brain, my pup for being my cuddle toy,Mz Estelle for her amazing reply and lastly, my friends for listening to me rage at them for the last 24 hours.

I spin you to face the wall, pressing your face against the brick, wrapping the long strip of leather around and around your head, holding your mouth open with one hand so the leather gags you. You can taste the leather, and smell it. I cover your eyes with another strip of leather and spin you back. Disorienting you.

You hear a sound as I take my blade out of it’s sheath, and you stop… I begin to move the blade over your body, over the rope that caresses your skin also. I bound you tight, there will be the ropemarks you love so much when I take it off you, slowly, letting it touch your skin and pool at your feet like water.

For now though, my blade is your only connection with me, other than the sound of my breathing. I hear your breathing shift And I occasionally run a leather gloved paw over you, you almost feel like I am reaching into you when I put my hand under the rope harness that runs down your chest.

My blade is cold on your skin. Goosebumps raise quickly as I run the sharp end of the blade over your skin. Your thighs shake as the blade creeps up your inner thigh. I revel in the scent of you. I turn the sharp of the blade to the elastic of your underwear… And cut through it. Your shoulders slump as you feel the scraps of material fall away from you.

I pull back and shove you against the wall again, shoving your legs apart, lowering my head to feast on your arousal… Until I am done.

 My hand on my cock reminds me why I am here, on my back for you.. I have a black eye, split lip and blood nose all from your hand. I kept standing back up, each time you knocked me down, the evidence of my desire to participate…

 But now we are at the end.. I am weak, I was trying to block your blows… My survival urge kicking in. That was the scary bit, but the best part… Where you pushed me to just give up.

 I can feel you feeding from my pain, fear and tears, as you have seen me and felt me feed from others. I guess I am a masochistic boy, because I love the purity of my own actions, and reactions to the searing pain in my body. But now, with the tread of your boot on the side of my bloodied face, and my hand in my jeans I don’t care.

 I just want your permission, that trigger for my release. You are holding my eye contact… Which can be more intimate to me than a kiss, which I am now begging you for, but knowing from my blood and tear stained face I won’t get…

You lean down, take the boot off to watch me closely, and grin… Taking your hand from behind you there is something dark in your hand, the muzzle of the pistol takes up my entire field of vision, my entire world…you nod while you cock it And give me my word…

One syllable..

And my world goes dark as I passout as I climax.

My family life at  home was… odd to say the least. Ma did her absolute best with a bad kid in me and an asshat in Pa, and considering all the other stuff going on.. she did an amazing job. It was through her I learned that if family calls, no matter the trouble, you answer your phone and help as much as you can if you can, and if you cant. Dont.  I learned to not sleep on an argument, and to be the best person I could. That love can sometimes be enough,  That love is being there, and being true, even if it hurts the other persons feelings with what you are saying. Real friends and family argue, and still love each other afterwards. You can rant, scream, cry, vent and rage – all with minimal repercussion. I do my best to bring all of this into my Urban Family, my Urban Tribe and into my own relationships.

My Leather Family taught me conflict resolution skills, the need to talk things out. That sitting on things just makes someone get hurt. They also taught me processing should be ok *I still have a lot of trouble with this one* and that people do things at different speeds *still have trouble there too*. My Leather Family taught me the safety of someones arms when you need a hug, and that Loyalty and Communication in all its forms  is paramount to a good friendship. This family showed me that just because you arent blood related, does not mean you are not family and sometimes, even when you are really angry, Family is Family and you will do what you can, when you can to resolve your issues.

I am a bastard to live around, cranky, cantankerous, pushy and needy. I am fiercely protective of  my people and will work things the best I can to make the people I love get what they want, often to the detriment of myself, recently I was trying so hard to be something for everyone else, I kinda forgot where I started… I worked out I was doing it, and then had the hard task of getting rid of the bits I worked out werent me, and start afresh, hence not writing on here. I am  still all of the things I mentioned above and now add emotionally unavailable. (laughs) I am currently in one of the angriest, snarkiest moments of my life. I have packed on the perspex around my heart and feel I failed 2 of my Family in horrendous ways. I am embarrassed at the way I treated both of them, an as much as I apologise to them both, I am still learning new ways to sting. I try to focus on all that my families have taught me, but just am lashing out…. mind you it seems at the moment, the more I do, the more interest I am getting from new people interested in me… kinda irritating, but hilarious.

I was thinking recently, about how much I take certain things seriously, and after an incident at an event involving my Leather Jacket, my Armour, that piece of myself that those that know and love me know how much I treasure it as a LeatherMan was worn away from me, through a venue. I lost my shit at the person that did it, and they are now well versed in Angry Bear trying to contain himself in public.  There are few people I would allow to wear my jacket. **I** can put it on just about anyone. If someone is cold, shocky, not feeling the best, sad or just plain loves the caress of an extremely heavy leather biker jacket, I will put it on them. But, it remains in my sight.  It is my choice to put it on them, and I am less likely to if they ask me for it *asshole that I am*… I have lost people in my life because of my love of leather, the lifestyle and all else it encompasses. I have worked hard to have the right allowed to me by someone very dear to me to wear my Leathers, and when I have them on me, I feel safe, at home no matter where I am. All of the Leather I wear I have sweated for, Bled for, Loved for and pushed myself further than I thought I could. There are a handful of people who have the “right” for lack of a better term, to wear it out of my sight, and to reach for it off my very back. These days, none of them would and 2 of them wouldnt even know that I thought that of them,  One wouldnt believe me if I told Her she was one of them. 

So, For future reference.  My Leather is my second skin, It has seen some of the happiest moments of my life, and has been wrapped around me as I have sobbed, so close to emotional destruction as I have ever been. If I place it on you, it is to stay in my vicinity. If I have to chase you to get it back, or you dont ask before you wander off with it. Expect me to growl at you. You have been warned.

Notepad + Pen; Sometimes it is difficult to remember everything that you need to, moment to moment. Your Top may want you to remember the name of a movie, pick up a phone number, do some basic mathematics to add up a bill or even order them a specific coffee configuration, then it is imperative to have a notepad and pen in order to remember everything clearly. You are their sub/slave/boy/girl… not a mind reader.

Phone + Phone credit; It is important to be able to contact your Dominant, whether via text or actually calling them, and able to respond to them, if they so require it. Certainly when I have subs/slaves I require them to be able to contact me when I want it. Make sure the phone is in good working order, well charged and ready before you leave the house. (or make sure you have the phone charger with you also)

Wallet/purse + bus fare home; If you are allowed to take your wallet with you, and on your person, you are to keep at least enough bus fare to get home from most places in your home city. A very dear friend taught me this, as they once got picked up in a bar by a hot Leather Man and needed to walk home, because he wasn’t comfortable asking for the cash from the Top involved. I also know boys who keep bus fare in their wallet on the off chance that their friends pick up and their “ride home’ gets a better offer. If you have a car, keep it anyway, just in case.

Medications; Whether you have asthma or any other condition that requires medication it is *your job* to remember to take your medications with you, especially if there is a possibility that you may not be coming home one night. There is no need for your health to suffer, if you do not go home after play. It is also your duty to manage your medications and any medical conditions you have, and be upfront and honest with your Top about these. If you need to take your medications in the afternoon at a specific time, if you let your Dominant know, they will make sure that you do that, in order for you to work better for them, and to make the upcoming scene longer, safer and sexier for both of you.

Lighter; In a club situation, a Daddy reaches for his cigarette case, pulls out a cigarette, and before he gets the cigarette to his lips there is the flick of a zippo lighter and a warm fire next to the Daddy’s hand. He smiles and makes eye contact as he breathes in the smoke, the light flickering over his face… hot huh? Not everybody smokes, but it is nice to have one on hand, whether to heat up the boot polish in the tin before you service, shine and worship your Tops boots, or if you are lighting candles to make mood lighting for the bath you have drawn for your Mistress.

Keys; Keys can be used as a tool for signalling if you are a Top or bottom, if you are available or not, and of course to get in and out of cars and houses. If you have your Master or Ladys keys, best to have them out and available before she reaches the door, so you can let them in, so they don’t have to stand in the cold for too long.

These things are to be kept on your person whenever you are with your Top, and you have the allowances to wear clothes to keep them on you at all times, OR in a bag that you take with you, should you not have any pockets. My Master taught me this, who was taught by His Master, and so on. Your Owner may tell you to carry less than this, or more than, and of course that is their perogative *grin* 

Is there something I have missed? any ideas?

Apparently the way I sit, the way my face moves and the way I lumber around is all very bear-like. A lot of people have noticed the bearyness, and being called Bear, Mr.Bear, Beasty Bear, BearMan and so on is more my name than the one on my birth certificate. The Bear is part of my totem, Bear is Teacher, unpredictable and wild, yet can be calm, nurturing and protective. Bear is a healer, from a website that i like, http://www.whats-your-sign.com/native-american-bear-meaning.html :

• Because the bear is cautious, it encourages discernment to humankind.
• Because of a fierce spirit, the bear signals bravery to those who require it.
• Because of its mass and physical power, the bear stands for confidence and victory.
• Because it prefers peace and tranquility (in spite of its size), Bear calls for harmony and balance.

but, I have a “Dog” self also, which I explore in my BDSM activities. I am a Rotty x Staffy. With a protective streak for my human/s and my toys. I tend to be Alpha, but like to play with young pups fairly gently, and share my toys on my own terms. I like the way I get to just be my emotions when I “pup out”, an embodiment of joy, sadness, hot, cold and fun. I have been lucky with the people around me being ok with that part of me. 

I am working on opening up that part of me, the dog side, that brings me such joy and happiness. it is something I am focussing on more this year, I think it gives me the ability to relax, leave the “real world” behind, and be.

What animal are you?

I speak a lot about being behind perspex, and on these (Effexor) it does feel like that, I get to see the words come through a screen, and prepare myself for how things may feel.  The hurtful stuff doesnt hurt as bad, but sadly, at the moment, as I am newly back on these, the good stuff, doesnt feel so good.  I am in a blank space, while I work out what is what.

Hilariously though, in an incredibly annoying way, I am on Testosterone, for my transition, which makes me stupidly horny (as a side effect), but the ADs have killed the impetus to come as one of their side effects. I am gonna have to work out how to make that work… somehow…..and soon.

I prefer the perspex buffer and the focus it gives me, but I am scared of losing the clarity and artistic writing skills I have when not.

an interesting ride…